Posted by Bizzare Store at 11:26 AM
#8. Explode Your Genitals
#7. Cut Your Car's Brakes
#6. Control a Nuclear Power Plant
#5. Use Your Computer Screen as a Two-Way Mirror
Posted by Bizzare Store at 11:31 AM
7. People are greedy
Let's suppose you are an intelligent (by human standards) alien life form and look somewhat humanoid, so that people can cope with the overall idea of you. After stumbling upon this tiny planet called Earth and scanning it for intelligence, you decide to pay cousin human a visit.
And since you are an intelligent extraterrestrial, you aren't going to simply contact the human world leaders and let them know you're dropping by for dinner. After all, we've all seen "Mars attacks" and know how well that went.
So you decide to be cautious and approach a small group of human individuals, who, hopefully, are decent intelligent beings... Your eyes twitch in awe as you discover who the humans really are and what they're capable of.
Humans are greedy; to a degree hard to imagine. They will sell their organs, children, parents and even neighbors to feed their everlasting greed. As soon as you knock on their apparently welcoming door, you are already doomed to a life of servitude for twisted desires or scientific experiments only the human mind could come up with.
Humans are so greedy they would even go search for Unobtainium on your mother planet.
People have always had a thing for selling anything to make a profit. You know, like Jesus or lunar property rights.
6. People are perverts
You quickly realize that direct contact is not a safe idea, so you decide to stay low-profile for a while. You try hiding in a dark corner, only to bump into two humans engaged in some weird activity involving strap-on dildos, leather clothing and what appears to be a flail. Right across the street you can spot some human females who, despite the blistering cold, appear to be wearing minimal clothing. For some reason swarms of human males approach them whistling.
Yes, people are perverts. Big time perverts. Probably the most perverted, horniest creatures in the Milky Way galaxy.
Yes, you may very well leave now.
Pictured : common human behavior after alcohol or/and substance abuse
5. People are unstable
Yes, quite a specimen this human is. He is greedy, he is perverted and sooner than you can say "Holy Shit! I need to get out of here quick!!!" you will learn that people
can be are unstable creatures.
For instance there is this guy who sold his life on eBay to get over his ex-wife. Or this guy who tattooed a piece of shit on his ex-girlfriend's back for cheating on him. And this particular individual decided the only way he could prevent cheating on his wife was to castrate himself. i suppose it won't hurt to say DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME (unless you really want to).
But men and their testicle-related issues are not the only sign of how demented humans are as a species. No, no! Women are in the club, too. For instance this particular lady stabbed her husband 193 times apparently in self-defense. Unless she was married to Superman, you probably should not date her. Then again, there was this woman who suddenly felt like eating some girl a bit too literally. So kids, DON'T DRINK WITH STRANGERS. Especially not with Russian female strangers.
Are you still there alien? If you are, here's some insight on the human feeding process.
Not displayed: genitals and feces.
4. People are downright insane
After finding out just how unstable humans are, you probably think in your extraterrestrial brain that this headline/part is repetitive. No, it's not. If you find it insane to chop off a human being and eat it cooked or uncooked, then what do you call a man who decides it is a good idea to eat his own fucking cat? Yes, it happens every now and then here on Earth. Probably after you watch this important tutorial for women.
I could list you several websites, books and sources to read all about the cream of our society: insane serial killers, sadistic rapists and violent child molesters, but that would ruin your little terrestrial fieldtrip. Which is why i propose we move on.
Pictured: typical human individual
3. People have religion
People are strange, i give you that. They are strange, even when you're not a stranger.
People have religion. People gather around in special buildings, wear different kinds of hats, bring sacrifices and prayers to supposedly superior beings and live their lives in fear of eternal damnation. Does anyone sense the irony in that?
i will not rant about religion (in this post), my dear alien visitor, but i will confess what saddens me. i find it sad that in a world which continues to grow (expand), too many people decide to limit their purpose to worshipping something or someone for the sake of an afterlife. My sincere concern is that once they get there they will figure out it wasn't worth the effort and spend the afterlife praying to someone or something else to send them back to Earth for this current existence.
2. People have Batman
For those people who stopped believing in God/Jehovah/Allah, Buddha or any other recognized, organized religion, there is always Batman. People believe in Batman! Even those who believe in Jesus, secretly believe in Batman. Chuck Norris believes in Batman! Batman is the hero of the human species and people treat him with the respect he deserves...
Which is exactly why you should be concerned, dear extraterrestrial visitor... At some point in their existence, humans gave up on their religious faith, too.
They noticed that all religions have a pretty poor accepted/rejected prayer ratio and decided in their broken hearts to believe in something else. In something apparently more human, at least in matters of flesh and blood. They decided to create the ultimate human being, a strong, handsome and incredibly intelligent individual who gave up his personal life in exchange for the safety of humans. Kind of like a modern, costumed and muscular Jesus, except without a messianic complex and the bad habit of speaking in parabolas.
You probably ask yourself, poor alien visitor, what the fuck is wrong with the human society?! Why do humans need models so badly and why must they create fictional characters to have someone to believe in?
1. People aren't worth it
i'll answer that for you, cousin E.T. as we're walking back to your spaceship.
People are messed up. People prefer believing in ancient texts and worshiping invisible forces rather than deciding their own purpose in life. They struggle to be unique while they accept the beliefs of the masses. They dream of achieving material fulfillment only to feel incomplete when they achieve it. They lost faith in themselves and in each other, they lie, murder and steal. They ruin themselves and, what's worse, they ruin Earth for the rest of us, too.
Every time somebody stands up to the system, we bring him down and end his existence. We later turn him into a mythical creature which we idealize, but never truly follow. We turn him into a brand and sell the shit out of it.
Dear alien, people aren't worth it. Next time you decide to visit Earth, don't look for intelligence in humans. Try with animals, try with plants or anything else you can still find here by the time our species has wiped itself out.
Posted by Bizzare Store at 8:22 AM