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7 things aliens should know before landing 2

7. People are greedy

Let's suppose you are an intelligent (by human standards) alien life form and look somewhat humanoid, so that people can cope with the overall idea of you. After stumbling upon this tiny planet called Earth and scanning it for intelligence, you decide to pay cousin human a visit.
And since you are an intelligent extraterrestrial, you aren't going to simply contact the human world leaders and let them know you're dropping by for dinner. After all, we've all seen "Mars attacks" and know how well that went.
So you decide to be cautious and approach a small group of human individuals, who, hopefully, are decent intelligent beings... Your eyes twitch in awe as you discover who the humans really are and what they're capable of.

Humans are greedy; to a degree hard to imagine. They will sell their organs, children, parents and even neighbors to feed their everlasting greed. As soon as you knock on their apparently welcoming door, you are already doomed to a life of servitude for twisted desires or scientific experiments only the human mind could come up with.
Humans are so greedy they would even go search for Unobtainium on your mother planet.
People have always had a thing for selling anything to make a profit. You know, like Jesus or lunar property rights.

6. People are perverts

You quickly realize that direct contact is not a safe idea, so you decide to stay low-profile for a while. You try hiding in a dark corner, only to bump into two humans engaged in some weird activity involving strap-on dildos, leather clothing and what appears to be a flail. Right across the street you can spot some human females who, despite the blistering cold, appear to be wearing minimal clothing. For some reason swarms of human males approach them whistling.
Yes, people are perverts. Big time perverts. Probably the most perverted, horniest creatures in the Milky Way galaxy.
Yes, you may very well leave now.

Pictured : common human behavior after alcohol or/and substance abuse


5. People are unstable

Yes, quite a specimen this human is. He is greedy, he is perverted and sooner than you can say "Holy Shit! I need to get out of here quick!!!" you will learn that people can be are unstable creatures.
For instance there is this guy who sold his life on eBay to get over his ex-wife. Or this guy who tattooed a piece of shit on his ex-girlfriend's back for cheating on him. And this particular individual decided the only way he could prevent cheating on his wife was to castrate himself. i suppose it won't hurt to say DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME (unless you really want to).
But men and their testicle-related issues are not the only sign of how demented humans are as a species. No, no! Women are in the club, too. For instance this particular lady stabbed her husband 193 times apparently in self-defense. Unless she was married to Superman, you probably should not date her. Then again, there was this woman who suddenly felt like eating some girl a bit too literally. So kids, DON'T DRINK WITH STRANGERS. Especially not with Russian female strangers.
Are you still there alien? If you are, here's some insight on the human feeding process.

Not displayed: genitals and feces.


4. People are downright insane

After finding out just how unstable humans are, you probably think in your extraterrestrial brain that this headline/part is repetitive. No, it's not. If you find it insane to chop off a human being and eat it cooked or uncooked, then what do you call a man who decides it is a good idea to eat his own fucking cat? Yes, it happens every now and then here on Earth. Probably after you watch this important tutorial for women.
I could list you several websites, books and sources to read all about the cream of our society: insane serial killers, sadistic rapists and violent child molesters, but that would ruin your little terrestrial fieldtrip. Which is why i propose we move on.


Pictured: typical human individual


3. People have religion

People are strange, i give you that. They are strange, even when you're not a stranger.
People have religion. People gather around in special buildings, wear different kinds of hats, bring sacrifices and prayers to supposedly superior beings and live their lives in fear of eternal damnation. Does anyone sense the irony in that?
i will not rant about religion (in this post), my dear alien visitor, but i will confess what saddens me. i find it sad that in a world which continues to grow (expand), too many people decide to limit their purpose to worshipping something or someone for the sake of an afterlife. My sincere concern is that once they get there they will figure out it wasn't worth the effort and spend the afterlife praying to someone or something else to send them back to Earth for this current existence.



2. People have Batman

For those people who stopped believing in God/Jehovah/Allah, Buddha or any other recognized, organized religion, there is always Batman. People believe in Batman! Even those who believe in Jesus, secretly believe in Batman. Chuck Norris believes in Batman! Batman is the hero of the human species and people treat him with the respect he deserves...
Which is exactly why you should be concerned, dear extraterrestrial visitor... At some point in their existence, humans gave up on their religious faith, too.
They noticed that all religions have a pretty poor accepted/rejected prayer ratio and decided in their broken hearts to believe in something else. In something apparently more human, at least in matters of flesh and blood. They decided to create the ultimate human being, a strong, handsome and incredibly intelligent individual who gave up his personal life in exchange for the safety of humans. Kind of like a modern, costumed and muscular Jesus, except without a messianic complex and the bad habit of speaking in parabolas.
You probably ask yourself, poor alien visitor, what the fuck is wrong with the human society?! Why do humans need models so badly and why must they create fictional characters to have someone to believe in?



1. People aren't worth it

i'll answer that for you, cousin E.T. as we're walking back to your spaceship.
People are messed up. People prefer believing in ancient texts and worshiping invisible forces rather than deciding their own purpose in life. They struggle to be unique while they accept the beliefs of the masses. They dream of achieving material fulfillment only to feel incomplete when they achieve it. They lost faith in themselves and in each other, they lie, murder and steal. They ruin themselves and, what's worse, they ruin Earth for the rest of us, too.
Every time somebody stands up to the system, we bring him down and end his existence. We later turn him into a mythical creature which we idealize, but never truly follow. We turn him into a brand and sell the shit out of it.
Dear alien, people aren't worth it. Next time you decide to visit Earth, don't look for intelligence in humans. Try with animals, try with plants or anything else you can still find here by the time our species has wiped itself out.

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7 things aliens should know before landing

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Nerd Infusion

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Happy Woman's day

Family Guy Season Premiere 2008

After the scene when Cleveland yells 'Boom goes the dynamite' (a reference to the infamous YouTube video) after having an orgasm with a girl in a public washroom, I laughed out loud for the 5th time in the episode. Then I turned to the clock and noticed that it was only 9:15pm. I was happy that there was only 15 minutes left in the episode and realized that Family Guy is back!

Last season's strike shortened episodes were the worst in Family Guy history. A sub-par Family Guy episode is always better than most shows on network television, but I was very disappointed with their showing last year. It seems like creator Seth MacFarlane, fresh off his $100 million contract to show-run Family Guy, American Dad and the spin-off The Cleveland Show (to air in January 2009), is back as this premiere episode grabbed me. Now I'm looking forward to watch what he's got going next.

Whereas the last 15 episodes of Family Guy really had no plot at all, the premiere episode lead with a plot. Yes, Family Guy is all about randomness and strange events, but if there is no actually plot, we the audience will get bored even if the jokes are funny. Storytelling using plot is something we've been used to ever since our parents or guardians read us nursery rhymes as babies. We need to follow a plot, no matter how Family Guy insane it is, in order for us to be interested.

This episode follows Brian (with Stewie not far behind) on a journey of finding love. A common story in the Family Guy series. This time he abstains from sex with his new girlfriend in order to gain respect from her. Of course this backfires when she is horny and ends up with Cleveland. Cleveland is a funny character and it should be interesting if he can pull off leading an entire series when he's spinned-off into his new show. Brian tries to separate them with the help of Stewie, and tries to get Cleveland's ex to come back and take Cleveland away so Brian can have the girl.

Of course all of this is insane but Brian after all is a dog. And that's what this show is all about. Common storylines and pop-culture references in the crazy world of a talking Dog and evil genius talking Bab living with an even crazier family.

A colleague of mine suggested that universities should create a course about Family Guy episodes. It should be called Family Guy and the Pop Culture Influence of our World. He swears that it's needed in post-secondary schools because we need to understand how in our society why the entertainment industry is so prominent. And how Family Guy episodes really put the wink in the wink-wink of our world.

So here's to a solid first episode. Hopefully there are 20 more to come.




The Simpsons Movie – first review

Homer Simpson, the oafish paterfamilias of America’s favourite dysfunctional family, emerges from his big-screen debut a bona fide Hollywood action hero.

 Homer Simpson

At the start of The Simpsons Movie Homer’s dreams of glory are limited to helping his new pet pig to walk upside down on the ceiling while singing “Spiderpig, Spiderpig” to the Spider-Man theme song

But when the adopted swine gets him into bigger trouble than even this celebrated screw-up has ever experienced before, he falls under the influence of a chesty Native American woman he calls “Boob Lady” and undergoes an uncharacteristic epiphany that galvanizes him into action for the good of his by-now estranged clan.

By the time the witty final credits roll, Homer outshines even Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has been elected president and ordered great harm done to Homer’s home town.

The Hollywood action theme helps the hit cartoon series, after 18 seasons on television, to land its death-defying leap to the big screen with panache. The result is a postmodern parable about an environmental scare that is at the same time hilarious and horrifyingly poignant. But thanks to an unexpected glimpse of Bart’s genitalia, this is a postmodern parable with a “pickle shot”.

The film boasts the same sly cultural references and flashes of brilliance that have earned the television series a following that ranges from tots to comparative literature PhDs. Despite its clownishness and childish graphics, it still offers searing insights into the pathetic human condition.

When the residents of Springfield learn that they are confronting catastrophe, for instance, the panicked occupants of the bar and the next-door church pour out into the street and change places — the drinkers taking solace in religion and the religious finding comfort in drink.

But the movie will be equally satisfying to those who just find it funny that Homer wants to kiss his pet pig — or laugh at Marge pondering the (literally) weighty issue of the pig’s “leavings”, or excrement.

Early on The Simpsons team shows their nerve by making Homer wonder out loud why anyone would pay to buy a cinema ticket to watch what they could see on TV free — the underlying question of the whole big-screen adaptation. In Homer’s view, anyone who pays for cinema tickets to watch a TV show is a sucker. Jabbing his finger at the audience, he declares: “Particularly you!”

What you get for your money is the Simpsons on an epic scale. The familiar, if geographically indeterminate, territory of Springfield is suddenly transformed into a cross between The Truman Show and Escape from New York, with a Big Brother government conspiring to keep all its unruly residents in line until it can be bombed into a “new Grand Canyon” tourist attraction.

The middle section, set in Alaska, lags because of the absence of the familiar props of the Simpsons’ home town. I found myself longing for Homer and his tribe to return to wreak more havoc on their neighbours, particularly the long-suffering Flanders.

But the film ends with a tense second-by-second countdown that fully exploits the bathos of that schlump Homer becoming an action star able save the world, or at least his little part of it. The conventions of the “disaster flick” allow The Simpsons’ left-leaning creator, Matt Groening, to indulge his politics with wry warnings of environmental doom without boring us out of our mustard-yellow skin.

Lisa, Homer and Marge’s swotty daughter, has become an ardent environmentalist who makes an Al Gore-style presentation entitled “An Irritating Truth” to the local populace.

In the same spirit, this film could have been subtitled: “An Inconvenient Cartoon”.